History on repeat

It's been seven months since I've last stepped in here. Seven months of thinking the worst of it all has gone, that every single nightmare has passed; Seven months of being able to breathe a little easier, sleep a little more peaceful, and even start thinking about a better future.

Then a phone call changes everything. It's true what people say, things can change in a split second. A few words can make the difference between heaven and hell. Those few simple words can make all the difference.

I really hate coming in here. So many bad memories just rush back and hit you like a tsunami. You never expect this to happen; you will always think, it's just something you read in the newspaper or see on the TV; and you judge that person, saying what an asshole he is.

But when it happens to you, you won't feel the same. You start to think about ways to solve the problem; you try your best to find a solution; you fight like hell to stay alive.

But what do you do when you run out of options? When you're so tired you don't even know what else to do anymore; when every breath is so painful yet you force yourself to continue breathing because it's the only option for you to survive.

I really don't know what else to do anymore. I'm so tired of this shit, having to constantly live in fear of what's next to come; not knowing what tomorrow holds, whether it'll bring good news or bad; thinking about every single option and weighing out its pros and cons just so you can live with the lesser evil.

I'm so tired. I really want this nightmare to end. I want us to be able to live like before: carefree, happy, no worries. Times were simpler then. You didn't need to think about any other shit except being yourself.

Will it ever come back?

Alone

I've stepped in here so many times before, and never have I been so indecisive about what to write down. A million things are running through my head, it somehow becomes a huge blur that I can't seem to focus on anything.

Today someone asked me, how come I can be so calm about doing things by myself? Don't I get lonely? Well, the truth is, I'm used to this life. After so many lies and backstabbing, somehow I've seem to lost the ability to trust in anyone. You get doubts about everything and everyone. You find yourself constantly wondering, what will this person do? Will he betray me? Will she stab me in the back? Is she talking about me behind my back? Is he badmouthing me?

The only person you can really trust is yourself. That's the hard truth. I've had to endure it the hard way. Having someone so close to you betray you and lie to your face - it's a punch in the gut and that feeling never goes away.

 

It's been the second week that I'm here, and I mostly keep to myself. I guess it's just me being anti-social, but I like the feeling of it. I'm free to do what I want and go where I please. I've always hated being confined; I'm just a wild horse who wants to run freely and see the world. The girl who was once so afraid of eating alone, is no longer afraid to ask for a table for one; the girl who was once so scared of the unknown, has learnt to accept whatever it is life throws at her because she has been through so much; the girl who always hides behind a mask, is no longer afraid to show her true emotions.

Somehow along the way of life, we grow up. We realize that no matter how hard and bleak things might seem, there is no lone path to the solution. When God closes one door, he opens up another. You just need the courage to take that step forward.

 

xoxo
-Penny-

Embrace Change

It's been a week now, and so far the wave has died down slightly. The reality has sunk in so hard you get reminded of it every single day. You double think every single thought, wondering if it would have any consequences. You think out every single possible outcome, whether it would be beneficial or it would be worse. You never stop wondering.

I've seemed to settle down slightly at this new place. It's definitely a new change and I'm anxious to see what's in store. I can't say I'm excited, but I'm nervous to see what's planned for me. For better or worse, I'm here now and I'll need to embrace it.

God please grant me peace and serenity. And please let the nightmare end.

Please.

It gets better?

Never thought I'd step in here again after just one day. Just yesterday I was frustrated with a sudden change in my life, and today something worse has happened. It just seems like you never get a chance to stop and breathe. One wave hits after another and you feel yourself drowning deeper into the abyss. You see yourself slipping into the darkness, helpless, hopeless; you keep praying that someone will come and save you, but just when you thought a helping hand is here, that same hand betrays you and pushes you deeper down the rabbit hole.

I've never been a positive thinker. Probably because I've seen so much darkness that it gets to you. You don't really know how to think positively anymore. You are afraid that every positive thought is just a mere imagination; you get so afraid that the blink of an eye can cause all that to disappear. That's why you don't dare to hope anymore. You don't dare to dream. You don't dare to look at the bright side.

 

I really want to hope and pray for the better. I really want to stay positive and be strong. I really want the nightmare to end.

Will they?

Change

It's been almost a year since I've stepped in here. Looking back at this past year, there are so many things I want to change. So many things that I regret. So many things that I want to forget.

So many things have happened - good, bad, ups, downs. People always say, things in life happen for a reason. Whatever that reason is, no one knows. You can only accept it and move on.

But what if you don't want to accept it? What if you fight like hell to try to stay in the moment, yet at the end of it all, your efforts don't make any difference? What would you do then? Will you finally accept that fate? Or will you continue to try to push against the current knowing it could crush everything you have?

 

I want to believe that change can be for the better; change can be for a difference; change can be brighter. But people always fear the unknown. Change is scary. Change is hard. Change is walking into the darkness with no way of knowing what lies at the other end. It could be a brighter future; or it could be an endless edge with nowhere else to go.

 

People keep telling me, accept the fate and let go. You'll never know how things will end up. But always try to stay positive. Keep an open mind. Accept change and embrace it. Who knows, it might for the better.

 

Take a leap of faith.

xoxo

-Penny-