Failed

Everyone was whispering and murmuring. Everyone had anxious and nervous looks on their faces. I looked down and just stared at my feet. My heart was calmer than I expected - there was no hard pounding or rapid heart beats.

The guy over the counter passed me my results slip. I smiled and thanked him. Then I took one glance and flipped it over. At that moment, my heart sank to the utmost bottom.

There was a C- on that slip. I had failed. And it was the subject I feared most.

I had expected the worst, and this was it. I didn't know what else to do but just remain quiet. Everyone around me was laughing and celebrating. They asked me how I did, and I smiled and said I did fine.

But in reality, it wasn't fine. I'd failed a subject, which means I need to re-sit for the paper next semester. Just today I gave away the notes and prayed for a miracle. But I guess sometimes, even when you pray your heart out, miracles just don't happen.

I'm struggling to breathe right now. I don't know what else I can do. They say you can't take this semester's subject if you fail the previous one. So what happens to me now?

xoxo
-Penny-

Valentine's

My watch showed a little after 5p.m. when I was finally done with my research work. I bid my teammates goodbye and walked up the stairs to the lab where my friend was still doing his research. I sat down at the table on the far end while waiting for him to finish up his work so I could follow his car back.

Her group was there too, and they had just finished. Her teammates had just left while she placed the remaining glassware in the drying basket. Then she walked over and smiled at me. We talked for awhile, but I noticed how she kept checking her watch. I didn't say anything, but just smiled. Then she said goodbye and rushed out.

I didn't get home until after 6, and the internet was down so I had to call and had them check on it. Just then I heard the gate open and footsteps rushing up the stairs. There was the usual sound of the door opening, then a few minutes later I heard it slam shut again. The sound of the gate closing could be heard just a few seconds later, and then there was silence.

After the internet was finally back up and running again, I went to shower and then went downstairs to cook dinner. Just a simple soup dish and some green tea. Then I went back up to my room, put on Grey's Anatomy and started eating dinner.

Suddenly my phone rang, and it was the notification for a message. I opened it and it was a friend, who asked if he was home. I said no, he already went out. That's when he said, someone had seen him with her in the car.

My mind went blank for a moment as I tried to interpret what I had just read. It was as if the message was in some foreign language and I didn't understand a single word. After I laid down my phone I stared at my laptop, not knowing what to do. Suddenly I'd lost my appetite altogether, and I just drank the remaining tea, then cleaned up and went straight to bed.

The clock on my table showed 9.30p.m.

As I had predicted I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, blank thoughts in my mind as I tried to force myself to sleep. I didn't know how long I tossed and turned when I finally dozed off. But I didn't sleep long. I woke up again at 12a.m., feeling refreshed. My laptop was still on as I had left my downloads running. I heard noises coming from downstairs and I knew he was home. I opened Facebook and expected the worse, but there was nothing. The green dot was beside his name, but suddenly I felt disgusted and annoyed. I closed the webpage and went back to sleep.

Awhile later my phone rang again, this time was for Facebook Messenger. It was him, asking how come I was still awake at this hour. I closed the app and went back to bed.

This morning he skipped classes as usual, which came as a relief for me as that meant I didn't need to be in the same car as him. After lunch as I was on my way to lab, suddenly someone called out for me. I looked up and saw him, standing there, smiling. I smiled back weakly and walked away.

Just then the elevator arrived, and he called out my name once again, pointing to it. I shook my head and walked up the stairs instead. The feeling of being in the same elevator as him was about to suffocate me.

He's still not home at the moment, but I didn't want to care anymore. The funny thing is, I don't feel angry or sad. My heart is just hurting a little, as I was so disappointed that he couldn't even be bothered to be honest to me about this.

I always thought that this wasn't his fault, as he had a choice to make - either me or her. Then I realised, there wasn't any choice at all in the first place. It has always been her, as it always will be. I was never part of the equation, just as I never will be a part of his life.

xoxo
-Penny-

Broken Heart

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. For the past two days you've been asking me where I would like to go. I never thought much about it, since I had research to do and lecture notes to read. Besides, I knew you would never ask me or take me out.

And I was right.

The only reason why you kept asking me, is because you wanted to take her out, but you don't want me to feel bad about not having plans, so you keep trying to ask me to do something. And another reason maybe why, is because you wanted to take her to a different place in case I had plans.

Well, I just smiled. I didn't know what to say, not that I'm in any position to say anything. She's your perfect princess, while I'm just the little girl who will forever just be your sister. To you, I don't mean anything more than being the little sister who cleans up after you, washes your dishes, and downloads games for you.

Today during the research lab, I saw how you looked at her. I didn't mean to spy, but I was talking to someone when I saw your expression from the corner of my eye. She was busy with her experiment, and you were staring at her like a lovesick puppy. The pain I had imagined didn't come, so I guess I'm finally able to let it go.

I really wish you all the happiness. You deserved it, especially from someone so perfect like her.

xoxo
-Penny-

I'm egoistic, so what?

The new semester has started, and although there are less subjects than before, it's still gonna be a hectic semester, especially with research projects and industrial training. Results got delayed since there was some problem with the exam division, but it'll be released next week and I'm freaking out. Damn nervous to know how I did since I've been praying really hard to get a pass on all subjects. Bless me, especially for Pharmacology II. =S

So I've finally got myself my Galaxy Note!! XD

I've been saving for quite sometime now so that I have enough funds for it. Ever since I knew of its release I've been saving bit by bit, and I had wanted to get it last year so badly but my funds were still insufficient. So the moment when I saw the amount reach the required state, I was so overjoyed I almost cried.

Before I bought the phone I did some research on it, especially the phone casing. The one I currently have on is a mercury case, the colour being mint. I had wanted to get either a black or red one, but unfortunately both were out of stock. =( The remaining colours weren't so nice, and out of all of them, this one looked the best. And I'm quite satisfied with it, since I really wanted a protection for my new baby.

This would be my first Android phone, and after toying around with it a bit I'm starting to get the hang of it. So far it's still pretty empty, with a few apps and games installed. Despite a lot of comments, I decided not to root it at the moment. Just wanted to enjoy the original rom first, since I'm still new to it. Besides, it seems that ICS 4.0 will be coming soon, so I decided to wait for it and see how it goes.

I have some people telling me how I'm such a spendthrift. My last phone - Samsung Wave - has been with me for 16 months now, and ever since upgrading to Bada 1.2 it's been giving me nothing but trouble. The phone switches off automatically, the storage memory for text messages is limited, and there aren't a lot of available apps. Bada 2.0 hasn't arrived here yet, but I decided I don't wanna wait for it anymore. And that's how my Galaxy Note came into play.

Honestly I don't understand what's the fuss about me changing phones. It's to my own liking and since I can afford it, why not? I changed phones not to please you people, but for my own pleasure. So why do you guys have to care so much?

P/S: Going broke at this moment. Guess I'll need to save even harder now for the upcoming Bali trip. =S


xoxo
-Penny-

Hello February

Please be good to me.

 

 

 

 

xoxo

-Penny-

Happy Chinese New Year~

Today is the eve of Chinese New Year, just came back from a simple and quiet reunion dinner with family. Tomorrow will be the big day where everyone gathers and gossips. Ughh.

Another 2 more weeks before going back, somehow not really looking forward to it. Right now I can avoid him because I don't see him, but everything's gonna change when I'm back. Sometimes I don't even know what to say to him anymore on Facebook, what more do you expect me to do when I'm talking to him face-to-face?

A year ago I was unsure if I wanted to curl my hair, but I did so anyway because he said he wanted to see it. And I permed my hair again for Chinese New Year because I just didn't know what to do with my hair. I had planned to cut it short, but dismissed it because I know it just won't suit me. And right now, I kinda regret it. I should have cut it all off because right now it just reminds me of him more and more.

Anyhow, just hoping that the new year will be much better. Imma so rock tomorrow with my killer heels. =)



xoxo
-Penny-

When it hurts

Another 7 days to go before Chinese New Year. Nothing special this year as it'll just be like normal. But I'm looking forward to all the cookies and good food. *wink*

I used to be on Facebook pretty much 24/7. Sometimes when my chatbox goes crazy I'll have my Skype on so that I can receive messages, and since it connects to my Facebook, it pretty much shows that I'm online even when I'm away.

But I do all these just because of one person.

The one person that makes you smile when you see his name pop up; the person that you just can't stop thinking about no matter what you're doing; the person that makes your heart beat faster and gets your pulse racing, who makes you speechless and your mind just goes blank in his presence.

And then I realise, you're just his option even when you make him your priority.

He has over 600 friends on his Facebook. When he's online he doesn't talk to me all the time, and this makes my heart sink. And then, as time goes by, I start to realise that he'll only talk to me when there's no one else around.

Which basically makes me a replacement. And all this time, I've always been the back-up. I'm the one he turns to when he needs something done, the one he talks to when there's no one else online. And if there's someone more important, I'll be the invisible speck of dust that fades into the background.

Now I understand why some people don't like Facebook. Sometimes I'm scared to go on Facebook, because his name is always there even when he's not. Which is why I actually prefer Twitter at the moment. At least it's more private and I can rant whatever's on my mind without letting the whole world knowing about it.

Because sometimes, you just want to sit down and hug yourself tight, telling yourself that everything's gonna be alright and that tomorrow's gonna be even better.

xoxo
-Penny-