Had a brief escape to Genting during the weekend, stayed over for one night and went to the theme park to try to enjoy myself. But the truth is, I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept going back to what had happened and what I could do to make things right. I even went on all the scary roller coaster rides I had never dared to before. Had wanted to scream so badly, but no matter what I did I just couldn't. Even my friends were amazed at my calmness. But they didn't know the truth.
Now I'm back to this place and reality starts to set in. I don't know what to do anymore. A thousand questions keep flashing through my mind as I wondered about my future. Whether I'll be able to graduate successfully; whether I still get to keep my scholarship; whether I'll be able to retake the exam and pass.
Physically and mentally tired at the moment after 5 hours of traveling on the bus. Have yet to take dinner, and my stomach is starting to protest against the hunger, but somehow I just don't have the appetite. Maybe will go make myself some oats since I didn't want to get gastric pains again. But right now, another thing I'm more worried about is whether I can sleep or not. I'm sure it'll be a restless night, even though the weather is so nice and cooling with the heavy rain outside.
Bless me. I really need a miracle right now. But somehow, I'm having bad feelings and it doesn't seem to go away anytime soon...
xoxo
-Penny-
Monday, February 20, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Quitting
I wasn't born a quitter. I wasn't raised a quitter. But I was raised to never fail.
That's what you get when you're raised by over-achieving and over-protective parents. Ever since you could understand, they've been telling you that your goal in life is to succeed. That you have to be the best at everything you do. That failing is not an option.
Then you grow up and you experience life. You try to be the best at what you do, but sometimes, your best just isn't good enough. What do you do then?
When your parents raise you and build up your ego, they forgot to teach you what to do when you fall.
This isn't the life I wanted. And I've known it since the start. But now that I'm in it, there's no way for me to back out. I want to put everything down and walk away from it. But I don't see how I can do that.
I wasn't born a quitter. I wasn't raised a quitter. But this is all too much for me. I really want to walk away from it. But I just don't know how.
xoxo
-Penny-
That's what you get when you're raised by over-achieving and over-protective parents. Ever since you could understand, they've been telling you that your goal in life is to succeed. That you have to be the best at everything you do. That failing is not an option.
Then you grow up and you experience life. You try to be the best at what you do, but sometimes, your best just isn't good enough. What do you do then?
When your parents raise you and build up your ego, they forgot to teach you what to do when you fall.
This isn't the life I wanted. And I've known it since the start. But now that I'm in it, there's no way for me to back out. I want to put everything down and walk away from it. But I don't see how I can do that.
I wasn't born a quitter. I wasn't raised a quitter. But this is all too much for me. I really want to walk away from it. But I just don't know how.
xoxo
-Penny-
Failed
Everyone was whispering and murmuring. Everyone had anxious and nervous looks on their faces. I looked down and just stared at my feet. My heart was calmer than I expected - there was no hard pounding or rapid heart beats.
The guy over the counter passed me my results slip. I smiled and thanked him. Then I took one glance and flipped it over. At that moment, my heart sank to the utmost bottom.
There was a C- on that slip. I had failed. And it was the subject I feared most.
I had expected the worst, and this was it. I didn't know what else to do but just remain quiet. Everyone around me was laughing and celebrating. They asked me how I did, and I smiled and said I did fine.
But in reality, it wasn't fine. I'd failed a subject, which means I need to re-sit for the paper next semester. Just today I gave away the notes and prayed for a miracle. But I guess sometimes, even when you pray your heart out, miracles just don't happen.
I'm struggling to breathe right now. I don't know what else I can do. They say you can't take this semester's subject if you fail the previous one. So what happens to me now?
xoxo
-Penny-
The guy over the counter passed me my results slip. I smiled and thanked him. Then I took one glance and flipped it over. At that moment, my heart sank to the utmost bottom.
There was a C- on that slip. I had failed. And it was the subject I feared most.
I had expected the worst, and this was it. I didn't know what else to do but just remain quiet. Everyone around me was laughing and celebrating. They asked me how I did, and I smiled and said I did fine.
But in reality, it wasn't fine. I'd failed a subject, which means I need to re-sit for the paper next semester. Just today I gave away the notes and prayed for a miracle. But I guess sometimes, even when you pray your heart out, miracles just don't happen.
I'm struggling to breathe right now. I don't know what else I can do. They say you can't take this semester's subject if you fail the previous one. So what happens to me now?
xoxo
-Penny-
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentine's
My watch showed a little after 5p.m. when I was finally done with my research work. I bid my teammates goodbye and walked up the stairs to the lab where my friend was still doing his research. I sat down at the table on the far end while waiting for him to finish up his work so I could follow his car back.
Her group was there too, and they had just finished. Her teammates had just left while she placed the remaining glassware in the drying basket. Then she walked over and smiled at me. We talked for awhile, but I noticed how she kept checking her watch. I didn't say anything, but just smiled. Then she said goodbye and rushed out.
I didn't get home until after 6, and the internet was down so I had to call and had them check on it. Just then I heard the gate open and footsteps rushing up the stairs. There was the usual sound of the door opening, then a few minutes later I heard it slam shut again. The sound of the gate closing could be heard just a few seconds later, and then there was silence.
After the internet was finally back up and running again, I went to shower and then went downstairs to cook dinner. Just a simple soup dish and some green tea. Then I went back up to my room, put on Grey's Anatomy and started eating dinner.
Suddenly my phone rang, and it was the notification for a message. I opened it and it was a friend, who asked if he was home. I said no, he already went out. That's when he said, someone had seen him with her in the car.
My mind went blank for a moment as I tried to interpret what I had just read. It was as if the message was in some foreign language and I didn't understand a single word. After I laid down my phone I stared at my laptop, not knowing what to do. Suddenly I'd lost my appetite altogether, and I just drank the remaining tea, then cleaned up and went straight to bed.
The clock on my table showed 9.30p.m.
As I had predicted I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, blank thoughts in my mind as I tried to force myself to sleep. I didn't know how long I tossed and turned when I finally dozed off. But I didn't sleep long. I woke up again at 12a.m., feeling refreshed. My laptop was still on as I had left my downloads running. I heard noises coming from downstairs and I knew he was home. I opened Facebook and expected the worse, but there was nothing. The green dot was beside his name, but suddenly I felt disgusted and annoyed. I closed the webpage and went back to sleep.
Awhile later my phone rang again, this time was for Facebook Messenger. It was him, asking how come I was still awake at this hour. I closed the app and went back to bed.
This morning he skipped classes as usual, which came as a relief for me as that meant I didn't need to be in the same car as him. After lunch as I was on my way to lab, suddenly someone called out for me. I looked up and saw him, standing there, smiling. I smiled back weakly and walked away.
Just then the elevator arrived, and he called out my name once again, pointing to it. I shook my head and walked up the stairs instead. The feeling of being in the same elevator as him was about to suffocate me.
He's still not home at the moment, but I didn't want to care anymore. The funny thing is, I don't feel angry or sad. My heart is just hurting a little, as I was so disappointed that he couldn't even be bothered to be honest to me about this.
I always thought that this wasn't his fault, as he had a choice to make - either me or her. Then I realised, there wasn't any choice at all in the first place. It has always been her, as it always will be. I was never part of the equation, just as I never will be a part of his life.
xoxo
-Penny-
Her group was there too, and they had just finished. Her teammates had just left while she placed the remaining glassware in the drying basket. Then she walked over and smiled at me. We talked for awhile, but I noticed how she kept checking her watch. I didn't say anything, but just smiled. Then she said goodbye and rushed out.
I didn't get home until after 6, and the internet was down so I had to call and had them check on it. Just then I heard the gate open and footsteps rushing up the stairs. There was the usual sound of the door opening, then a few minutes later I heard it slam shut again. The sound of the gate closing could be heard just a few seconds later, and then there was silence.
After the internet was finally back up and running again, I went to shower and then went downstairs to cook dinner. Just a simple soup dish and some green tea. Then I went back up to my room, put on Grey's Anatomy and started eating dinner.
Suddenly my phone rang, and it was the notification for a message. I opened it and it was a friend, who asked if he was home. I said no, he already went out. That's when he said, someone had seen him with her in the car.
My mind went blank for a moment as I tried to interpret what I had just read. It was as if the message was in some foreign language and I didn't understand a single word. After I laid down my phone I stared at my laptop, not knowing what to do. Suddenly I'd lost my appetite altogether, and I just drank the remaining tea, then cleaned up and went straight to bed.
The clock on my table showed 9.30p.m.
As I had predicted I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, blank thoughts in my mind as I tried to force myself to sleep. I didn't know how long I tossed and turned when I finally dozed off. But I didn't sleep long. I woke up again at 12a.m., feeling refreshed. My laptop was still on as I had left my downloads running. I heard noises coming from downstairs and I knew he was home. I opened Facebook and expected the worse, but there was nothing. The green dot was beside his name, but suddenly I felt disgusted and annoyed. I closed the webpage and went back to sleep.
Awhile later my phone rang again, this time was for Facebook Messenger. It was him, asking how come I was still awake at this hour. I closed the app and went back to bed.
This morning he skipped classes as usual, which came as a relief for me as that meant I didn't need to be in the same car as him. After lunch as I was on my way to lab, suddenly someone called out for me. I looked up and saw him, standing there, smiling. I smiled back weakly and walked away.
Just then the elevator arrived, and he called out my name once again, pointing to it. I shook my head and walked up the stairs instead. The feeling of being in the same elevator as him was about to suffocate me.
He's still not home at the moment, but I didn't want to care anymore. The funny thing is, I don't feel angry or sad. My heart is just hurting a little, as I was so disappointed that he couldn't even be bothered to be honest to me about this.
I always thought that this wasn't his fault, as he had a choice to make - either me or her. Then I realised, there wasn't any choice at all in the first place. It has always been her, as it always will be. I was never part of the equation, just as I never will be a part of his life.
xoxo
-Penny-
Monday, February 13, 2012
Broken Heart
It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. For the past two days you've been asking me where I would like to go. I never thought much about it, since I had research to do and lecture notes to read. Besides, I knew you would never ask me or take me out.
And I was right.
The only reason why you kept asking me, is because you wanted to take her out, but you don't want me to feel bad about not having plans, so you keep trying to ask me to do something. And another reason maybe why, is because you wanted to take her to a different place in case I had plans.
Well, I just smiled. I didn't know what to say, not that I'm in any position to say anything. She's your perfect princess, while I'm just the little girl who will forever just be your sister. To you, I don't mean anything more than being the little sister who cleans up after you, washes your dishes, and downloads games for you.
Today during the research lab, I saw how you looked at her. I didn't mean to spy, but I was talking to someone when I saw your expression from the corner of my eye. She was busy with her experiment, and you were staring at her like a lovesick puppy. The pain I had imagined didn't come, so I guess I'm finally able to let it go.
I really wish you all the happiness. You deserved it, especially from someone so perfect like her.
xoxo
-Penny-
And I was right.
The only reason why you kept asking me, is because you wanted to take her out, but you don't want me to feel bad about not having plans, so you keep trying to ask me to do something. And another reason maybe why, is because you wanted to take her to a different place in case I had plans.
Well, I just smiled. I didn't know what to say, not that I'm in any position to say anything. She's your perfect princess, while I'm just the little girl who will forever just be your sister. To you, I don't mean anything more than being the little sister who cleans up after you, washes your dishes, and downloads games for you.
Today during the research lab, I saw how you looked at her. I didn't mean to spy, but I was talking to someone when I saw your expression from the corner of my eye. She was busy with her experiment, and you were staring at her like a lovesick puppy. The pain I had imagined didn't come, so I guess I'm finally able to let it go.
I really wish you all the happiness. You deserved it, especially from someone so perfect like her.
xoxo
-Penny-
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I'm egoistic, so what?
The new semester has started, and although there are less subjects than before, it's still gonna be a hectic semester, especially with research projects and industrial training. Results got delayed since there was some problem with the exam division, but it'll be released next week and I'm freaking out. Damn nervous to know how I did since I've been praying really hard to get a pass on all subjects. Bless me, especially for Pharmacology II. =S
So I've finally got myself my Galaxy Note!! XD
I've been saving for quite sometime now so that I have enough funds for it. Ever since I knew of its release I've been saving bit by bit, and I had wanted to get it last year so badly but my funds were still insufficient. So the moment when I saw the amount reach the required state, I was so overjoyed I almost cried.
Before I bought the phone I did some research on it, especially the phone casing. The one I currently have on is a mercury case, the colour being mint. I had wanted to get either a black or red one, but unfortunately both were out of stock. =( The remaining colours weren't so nice, and out of all of them, this one looked the best. And I'm quite satisfied with it, since I really wanted a protection for my new baby.
This would be my first Android phone, and after toying around with it a bit I'm starting to get the hang of it. So far it's still pretty empty, with a few apps and games installed. Despite a lot of comments, I decided not to root it at the moment. Just wanted to enjoy the original rom first, since I'm still new to it. Besides, it seems that ICS 4.0 will be coming soon, so I decided to wait for it and see how it goes.
I have some people telling me how I'm such a spendthrift. My last phone - Samsung Wave - has been with me for 16 months now, and ever since upgrading to Bada 1.2 it's been giving me nothing but trouble. The phone switches off automatically, the storage memory for text messages is limited, and there aren't a lot of available apps. Bada 2.0 hasn't arrived here yet, but I decided I don't wanna wait for it anymore. And that's how my Galaxy Note came into play.
Honestly I don't understand what's the fuss about me changing phones. It's to my own liking and since I can afford it, why not? I changed phones not to please you people, but for my own pleasure. So why do you guys have to care so much?
P/S: Going broke at this moment. Guess I'll need to save even harder now for the upcoming Bali trip. =S
xoxo
-Penny-
So I've finally got myself my Galaxy Note!! XD
Before I bought the phone I did some research on it, especially the phone casing. The one I currently have on is a mercury case, the colour being mint. I had wanted to get either a black or red one, but unfortunately both were out of stock. =( The remaining colours weren't so nice, and out of all of them, this one looked the best. And I'm quite satisfied with it, since I really wanted a protection for my new baby.
This would be my first Android phone, and after toying around with it a bit I'm starting to get the hang of it. So far it's still pretty empty, with a few apps and games installed. Despite a lot of comments, I decided not to root it at the moment. Just wanted to enjoy the original rom first, since I'm still new to it. Besides, it seems that ICS 4.0 will be coming soon, so I decided to wait for it and see how it goes.
I have some people telling me how I'm such a spendthrift. My last phone - Samsung Wave - has been with me for 16 months now, and ever since upgrading to Bada 1.2 it's been giving me nothing but trouble. The phone switches off automatically, the storage memory for text messages is limited, and there aren't a lot of available apps. Bada 2.0 hasn't arrived here yet, but I decided I don't wanna wait for it anymore. And that's how my Galaxy Note came into play.
Honestly I don't understand what's the fuss about me changing phones. It's to my own liking and since I can afford it, why not? I changed phones not to please you people, but for my own pleasure. So why do you guys have to care so much?
P/S: Going broke at this moment. Guess I'll need to save even harder now for the upcoming Bali trip. =S
xoxo
-Penny-
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
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