Fourth time - fuck charm

Finished off Pharmacology IV paper this morning. What to say about it? Fuck it like always.

It's hard when you have 24 hours less than everyone else to study. Pharmacology II yesterday was crappy as well, today was slightly better although it's still pretty much crap.

God, please just let me safely pass all the papers this semester. I promise to be good. And be vegetarian for a month.

Four more papers to go. One week to home.

 

xoxo
-Penny-

The final goodbye

So it's official then. You and her are together. Can't say I'm surprised. I've had my doubts months ago, but seeing how you only declare it publicly on Facebook moments ago, I guess it's getting serious.

You've moved on. I will to. No more missing you, no more sleepless nights thinking about you, no more re-reading our conversations and crying myself to sleep. What I need to do right now is delete everything about you from my life. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

And I hope she screws you over like karma.

This is the final goodbye, I promise.

xoxo

-Penny-

Happy Winter Solstice

So today is 21st December 2012. Woke up this morning and thought to myself, 'Hey, the sun is up'. And I went back to sleep. LOL. Guess the world didn't end. Or maybe tomorrow due to the time difference? Who knows.

It's winter solstice festival today, and usually I'll be home celebrating. Yet this year is kinda different as I'm stuck here having to cram all the notes into my brain and missing home so terribly. Two more weeks to go. I want it to end so badly, yet I don't want to face exams. Irony much?

Been spending a lot of time rewatching Gossip Girl, as usual totally loved Chuck Bass. Hey, if you can work that scarf, you deserve it. I guess I'm just finding stuff to do rather than studying. Sigh. I'm so gonna regret this next week.

If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back. - Chuck Bass

xoxo

-Penny-

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

I want to move on from you really badly. I really do. So please let me forget you the same way you've forgotten about me.

When you needed me, I was there for you all the way. When I needed you, you were nowhere to be seen.

I wanted a relationship, you didn't. I wanted us to give it a shot, but you didn't share the same faith. I wanted us to try, but you backed away and stood me up.

And now you have someone in your life. I guess I saw it coming. You actually did want a relationship; just that it wasn't with me.

I had so many dreams about you and me, Happy endings, Now I know.

xoxo

-Penny-

I Still Miss You

Yesterday I told myself it was time to let go, that it's time for me to move on with my life just as you've moved on with yours. You didn't appear in my dreams last night, so I took it as a good sign.

Then just now during in campus training, of all the places there were, I ended up sitting behind you. I stopped dead in my tracks when my friend pointed to the seat next to her. I hesitated, but other people were starting to settle in so I just sat down. But the whole time I felt very uncomfortable. As the lecturer was talking in front, I found myself staring at you. I knew you couldn't see me, or maybe you knew I was watching. You kept perfectly still, only on two occasions you took out your phone to reply messages. And even though I couldn't see your face, I knew you were smiling.

Tomorrow's OSCE got cancelled, not feeling any sighs of relief because it just meant that Thursday will be hell busy with another viva. Feeling so helpless since I couldn't study any of the lecture notes; nothing seems to be going in my mind at all no matter how many times I read it over and over again.

This week is already the last week of lectures, which means next week is already study week and finals will be the week after. Have so much studying to catch up on I almost don't know where to start.

God help me.


xoxo
-Penny-

I Dreamed A Dream

I dreamt about you for two consecutive nights. In both dreams, you held my hand and asked if we could start over. Before I could answer, I jolt awake and was covered in cold sweat.

I guess I've been listening to too much Taylor Swift. Her voice echoes in my ears, "In my dreams you're touching my face, And asking me if I want to try again with you; And I almost do".

Last week was when all the coincidences happened. My friend asked you to drive his car as he was too tired. And you did. Watching from the back seat, I had to admit you look good. You always have. I stole glances at you while you were driving, knowing you can't see me as I hid myself from the rear view mirror. For one moment, I almost forgave you. Then, at the red light, you took out your phone and was busy replying messages. I didn't see the name, I couldn't see the contents. But you were smiling as you typed, and I knew you were happy.

At that moment, I knew you had moved on. And yet, here I am, still standing at the same position, waiting for you to come back. How foolish of me.

The moment you stopped the car in front of my house and I got out, you said the first word to me all semester - goodbye. How ironic could it be? You never looked at me, not even one glance. Your eyes were set straight ahead, and the moment I closed the door you drove off. Like you just couldn't wait to get away from me.

After that I told myself it was time to let go, that it was time for me to move on too. You didn't need me anymore, so why I am still waiting for a miracle I know would never come?

Yet, why do you still appear in my dream? And sometimes I wonder, do you dream of me too?

The song that never fails to make me cry.

xoxo

-Penny-

I'm Complicated

Haven't blogged in a month, been so busy with mid semester exams, clinical attachment, assignments and presentations. It's almost so hard to find even a spare minute breathe. There's always a curveball at every turn and always something new you need to deal with. I'm physically and mentally tired, just wanna run away from every thing and crawl into my own little corner.

Clinical presentation is on next Thursday, have to be fully prepared to be bombarded with questions I'm sure I can't answer; two assignments pending; finals in three weeks; viva and OSCE just around the corner. I don't even know how I'm gonna survive.

His birthday was on Monday. I didn't know what to say to him, so I just sent a simple 'happy birthday' wish and attached Taylor Swift's song, "I Almost Do". It's true, so many times I want to run to him, and say hi and smile to him; but I know I can't. Because I can't say hello just to risk another goodbye. It's too painful. I've allowed him to hurt me twice, all for the same reasons. Do I need a third time? Of course not.

But so many times I would think to myself, what would happen if he kept his promise? Will everything be different? Will we be happy? I really don't know, and thinking about it just makes me have even more questions. So I've decided to ignore the feelings and suppress my emotions. I can be strong. This is just another repetition; I can face it again.

I know I'm complicated. If you can't accept that, please don't walk into my life.

xoxo

-Penny-

28102012

It's 12.45a.m. and I'm still in front of my laptop. Trying really hard to study, but my eyelids are feeling very sleepy they can close any minute. Have to force myself to stay awake and continue cramming all the notes, but somehow it seems to be an impossible task.

The whole study week was almost wasted. I tried really hard to study, but I'm seriously lacking concentration. Five minutes of staring at notes and then I'm back to playing my series. Half hour naps would turn into 2 hours. I keep telling myself that I need to focus, but it's not working at all.

Sigh. Back to more cramming before I hit the sack. Hopefully I can focus for another hour. God please help me.



xoxo
-Penny-

20102012

Less than 2 weeks before October ends. How time really flies.

Today marks the beginning of study week, and while people only need to cram 5 subjects, I have 6. Moreover, two subjects fall on the same day at the same time. Haven't talked to the lecturers on how I'm gonna settle this, I think I'm gonna be pretty screwed.

Just gonna focus on studying right now, anything and everything else can wait. But somehow I'm losing concentration very easily these days. My mind can't seem to remember anything I read. I find myself staring at the lecture notes but nothing is going in. Seriously, FML.

P/S: I miss our conversations. But we can never go back to the way before. Just so you know, I still miss you.

 

 

 

xoxo

-Penny-

Hello October

So September has ended, and we bid farewell to yet another month. September can be summarised as totally horrible, as so many things went wrong in the worst possible direction. As we welcome a new month, I can only pray that it will be much better.

A lot of people around me seem to be coupling up or have someone special in their life. And here I am, 22 and still single. What's funny is that everyone seems to keep wanting me to find a partner too. I don't get why. I'm happy with my current life, and yes, I do get jealous and lonely sometimes watching others so happy with their relationships, but I don't wanna be the person that finds someone just out of loneliness. I believe that a relationship based on that will never work. There'll be someone out there who's perfect for you; all you gotta do is wait.

Mid semester exams coming real soon, and studies are not progressing much since there's just so much stuff to do. There are some things that I'm really doubting at the moment, and I'm really unsure what I wanna do. *sigh*

 

Here's to a better and awesome month. Please be good to me.

P/S: I miss talking to you like the way we did before.



xoxo
-Penny-

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I don't like Septembers. It's always the month where everything seems to be going horribly wrong, where everything you thought to mean the world just turns out to be another joke, and the people you thought were your forever just turns out to be a lie.

I'm scared of my phone ringing. Everytime I hear that familiar ringtone, my heart skips a beat. With shaking hands, I had a tiny hope that it would be you. But time and time again it's just another disappointment. I guess I have to face the truth that your name will never appear again.

It's amazing how someone can break your heart, yet you still love them with all the million pieces. Every bit of my feelings were true. I'm sorry that you couldn't feel the same.

xoxo

-Penny-

Hello, Hi, Goodbye

So the title is a song from Rita Ora's album, and somehow it just hit me right in the heart. It's not very often a song can impact me so much. Most of the time it's just a part of the song, or even just a single line. But this was different. It just felt as if the song was about my story, about me and him, about everything that was and could have been.

He came into my life unexpectedly. He was the light at the end of the tunnel; the breath of air after coming out from the water; the shoulder that I could lean on. Everything felt so right, but just two seconds later, everything crumbled into a million pieces.

We always knew we could never be each other's happy ever after. We had just stumbled upon each other and clicked. We were like old friends that met again after a very long time. We could talk for ages about anything, and countless nights were spent texting until I fell asleep. He was the last person I said good night to, and every morning I would wake up to his good morning.

For that very brief moment, everything was perfect.

But nothing lasts forever. Especially something over long distances.

Right now, we would walk past each other as if we were strangers. We hardly say a word to each other, no more texting, no more chatting. It was as if nothing ever happened, and it was all a dream.

I don't understand how you can just turn around and walk away like that. Everything we talked about, I thought it was a promise. But it turns out to be empty words spoken to fill your equally empty soul.

I really thought we could work. I guess I was wrong. Still, thank you for once being there for me. And just so you know, I still hope we could go back to the way it was.

I miss you.


xoxo
-Penny-

05092012

It's 12a.m. and here I am, blogging. I thought my insomnia will be better once I get back to the study life, but it seems I was wrong. Still having trouble sleeping, had to toss and turn for almost an hour before I finally fell asleep.

Lectures have started, and this semester is gonna be really busy, since we're having clinical pharmacy training both in-campus and at the hospital. Which means every afternoon will be spent on learning how to talk to patients. With my horrible people skills and anti-socialness, I'm wondering how I can achieve that. *sigh*

I'm seriously starting to doubt my passion at the moment. I'm really not interested in this kind of life. But I didn't choose this life; this life chose me. And now that I'm so near to the end, giving up doesn't seem like an option at all. Especially with so many people waiting to see how I end up. I guess what I can do is stay focused, and keep my thoughts straight and clear.

P/S: I don't know why some people can be such assholes. One day they treat you like gold, then the next they can dismiss you as if you don't matter at all. Right now, I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I should just give up this relationship. If it's a relationship at all. I guess we're just not meant to be together. We'll never be each other's happy ever after; we were just two lonely people whose lines crossed from a very cruel joke.

For my studies. I will prove that I can.

xoxo

-Penny-

02092012

So I'm finally back in this wretched place. Reality has already started to sink in, and it's yet another killer semester that I'm gonna face. Every time I'm back in this place I feel like I don't belong at all. It's like I'm a Martian that has landed on Earth, and everything around me feels so completely unknown.

I had wanted to let go of this life. To put down everything, turn around and just walk away. I never wanted this life. This isn't me. Sitting at the table and crazily forcing walls after walls of text into my brain. I don't like this life, whereby everything is so exam-orientated, that even the slightest failure will make people think twice about your intelligence.

I don't talk to people often. Yes, I admit I'm anti-social. Yes, I admit I'm socially awkward around large crowds of people. I don't have good people skills. I keep everything to myself, and rarely I let someone into my life.

But I'm loyal. If I treat you as a friend, I will try my very best to be a friend. I won't talk about you behind your back; I won't backstab you; I won't treat you like royalty when I need you and treat you like shit when I don't.

No, I'm not that kind of person. It's not how I was born and raised.

But you people are the same kind of fucked up shit. You treat me like a close buddy when you need me. When you don't, you turn your back on me and act as if you don't know me at all. When you find a new friend, you forgot your old ones, those who helped you previously.

I hope karma fucks you the same way you fucked with me. I ain't gonna be a nice girl anymore. No way. Watch out dirt, the bitch is coming.


xoxo
-Penny-

And so, a new semester begins

Somehow this blog has been vacant for almost three months. Been home for about 4 weeks now, finished 6 weeks of industrial training and one week in Bali. Overall it was a pretty busy holiday, but it's finally coming to an end.

Parents' copy of last semester's results arrived in the mail yesterday. As my hands trembled to open the letter, I kept on praying in silent. My heart has never beaten so fast in my entire life. I held my breath as I pulled out the thin paper, and that one moment, I nearly burst into tears.

One semester safe. All subjects passed. Although my GPA was horribly low, I didn't care. I had passed this semester, so I didn't need to retake any subjects. I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief, and it felt like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

Will be leaving home in two days' time, not wanting to go back so badly. This coming semester is gonna be another killer, since I need to retake Pharmacology II. But I made a solemn vow to work triple hard for it. I made it through one killer semester, I can do it again.

Hello September. Please be awesome.

 

xoxo
-Penny-

History on repeat

Just came back from Pharmacology III. And I only have one word for it: "Fuck".

Stayed up late to study until 2.30a.m., barely slept for 3 hours before getting up to continue revision. Again, I actually felt quite confident, thinking that I could do better than mid semester. Then, when you see the question paper, your whole world shatters like a bullet hitting a glass. And for that 3 hours all you could think to yourself is, "Why did I even bother in the first place?"

Screwed up so badly for mid semester, and this was my last chance at redemption. This was the last chance I could prove that I can actually do it, to score well to get a pass. But then, another curve ball is thrown straight in your face. I don't even know what to say anymore. Studied so much but all those questions never came out, what did come out was a whole bunch of crap that I'm not at all confident in answering.

Well, another semester screwed. No problem, just re-take the paper only mah. So big deal meh? Having the final paper on Thursday, hopefully it doesn't screw me up again. *all fingers and toes crossed*


xoxo
-Penny-

Hello June

 

It seems that I'm posting on the first day of every month with the same title. A new month is here, and it's already halfway through 2012. I guess time really flies.

Another week to go before I'll be home. Missing home terribly. I really wanna let go of everything here and go back to the only place where I know I'll feel safe and secure. I wanna be able to laugh and be myself again, to say whatever I want and do all the things I love, just be around the people who truly love me.

Dare to dream.

xoxo

-Penny-

Keep holding on

Third day of study week, so far things are going pretty well. Managed to keep up with my study schedule, but there's still a whole lot to work on. I'm gonna try really really hard this time, and I believe I can do it. *positive thinking*

The whole world cannot give up on you if you don't give up on yourself.

xoxo

-Penny-

Stressed

Having viva on Friday, which will contribute a crazy 15 marks to the whole subject. Really stressed out at the moment, it seems that reading so much but still unable to memorize anything. Memorized the first page, but when I move on to the second page, I forget everything on the first page; and the cycle keeps repeating endlessly.

People always think I'm so chill and calm. I'M FREAKING NOT. I just try my best not to show it. You'll never know the feeling of not even daring to sleep because you can't finish memorising the notes; you'll never know the feeling of sleeping 3 hours a day and waking up in the middle of the night to continue studying, but feeling so tired you actually doze off on your chair; you'll never know the feeling of jolting awake at night thinking you'd overslept, to frantically find for a clock to see the time only to realise you'd been sleeping for one hour.

And this is what's gonna happen for the next three weeks. Oh God, please save me. =/

Exhaustion

Finally finished off my research presentation today, handed in our thesis and everything is finally over. Three months of hard work paid off when the supervisors gave us good comments, and it was a huge sigh of relief.

These past two weeks have been so hecticly crazy and busy that I've almost lost track of time. It's the final week of lectures, but there's still an assignment pending and another viva session on Friday. After this it's a week of study break and then two weeks of finals before I'm finally able to head home.

xoxo
-Penny-

I Don't Care

So Monday was like any usual boring day. Woke up for morning class with the usual Monday blues, listened to my iPod throughout classes, and went home after lunch since our supervisor was busy so we couldn't meet with him to discuss our research.

I logged in to Facebook for awhile, checked for new posts on our class page to see if there are any announcements. Then, all of a sudden, a chatbox pops up, and his name appeared.

"So long didn't disturbed you already," he typed.

"Oh yeah? I guess that's what happens when you get new friends," I replied.

Another two lines later I logged out and went back to minding my own business.

That evening a friend called to come by and pick up something from me, so I went downstairs to open the gate. He was there in the living room, with his phone in hand. He called out to me, but I just stared blankly at him for one second, then went on to open the door.

I had pictured so many things to say to him, but the moment I saw his face, my mind totally went blank. Except for two words: "F U".

Just a few minutes ago he buzzed me on Facebook again. I merely asked, "Umm sorry, are you talking to me?"

I could tell he got offended. But I don't care. Why should I?

Don't tell me I'm different, that I've changed. I'm still the same me. What changed was my attitude towards you. Because people like you don't deserve being nice to.

Perfection

 

I'm sorry that I'm the one thing in your life that isn't perfect.

Forgiveness?

Went to watch The Avengers just now with the usual gang, enjoyed the movie to the max. Absolutely loved Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, his sarcastic dialogues never fail to make me smile. Chris Evans is totally hot too, and I did manage to develop a liking to Hawkeye at the end. Maybe because of his bow and arrow. Reminds me of old times during high school. *sigh*

Now we're at the position where we're avoiding each other, even on Facebook. Today I found her online quite frequently, so I decided to make myself less miserable by not logging into Facebook so often. But then whenever a notification for Facebook message pops up on my phone, a tiny part of me wished it was him. Yeah I know, but what to do - I guess I'm just a sucker for love. Or maybe just him. =S

Yesterday someone asked me about both of them, whether or not they've already started a relationship. I honestly don't know - we don't talk about these things. Or at least, he doesn't talk to me about it. Of course, why would he? The girl who had a crush on him that he just treats as a little sister? Yeah right.

Having 8a.m. class later, and yet I'm still online at this moment. Been thinking a lot about my life lately. Amber Riley's voice is playing in my earphones now, "Sometimes I wonder, where I've been? Who I am? Do I fit in?" Have a sudden urge to cry, but I tell myself I can't.

After everything that's happened, the one thing I cannot give you is forgiveness. Just so you know, not every 'sorry' deserves forgiveness. Especially if it's from you.

I'm just not gonna care anymore.

xoxo

-Penny-

Hello May

Just came back from second round of celebration. First time celebrated my birthday late, but still, had fun talking and laughing. Went to a restaurant at Bukit Mertajam (I have no idea why they chose that place LOL), named "Stone Age". The surrounding and decoration was nice, though the food wasn't all that great. Had Secret Recipe cake for dessert, and I finally had my Oreo Cheese. =D *melts*

After dinner, we went for Round 2 at Auto City. They had initially planned for Häagen-Dazs ice-cream for me, but after the cake I felt so full I didn't really feel like eating anymore. So after a long debate, we settled for OverTime for some casual drinking with good music.

Tried Starker Larger, Pinacolada and Frozen Magarita, it was almost a miracle I didn't get drunk, just felt really sleepy and tired. Again, sitting in front of my laptop blogging while waiting for my hair to dry. Will be going for 'The Avengers' later tonight, heard from reviews that it's a really great movie, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Speaking of which, prom pictures from our batch are out. Not a lot of people went, but everyone looked really nice overall. As usual, they had their photo taken together, but this time they crossed arms, and immediately everyone went to 'like' the photo. I saw it while at OT, and that moment my heart sank.

Last week when he asked to go celebrate my birthday, he suggested watching a movie, so I asked, "Avengers?" He said he'd already watched it during the premiere show, then today he updated his status saying it was 'an awesome movie and a great day indeed'. At that moment I got really pissed. I don't care who you watch the movie with; please don't lie to my face about it.

Still not feeling like talking to you, so I'll just ignore you until I feel better. It's just the first day of May, and my life is already sucking like hell. Ughh.

May, please be really good to me. I need my good luck. =/

Happy Labour Day to everyone. =)

xoxo

-Penny-

Goodbye April

Just came back from a simple gathering with old friends, had fun laughing and chatting while reminiscing about old times. I really miss some of these old friends, whom I can talk to freely without worrying about what to say and what to hold back. These are the true friends that accept me for who I am and will never try to define or judge me. Although we don't see and talk to each other that often anymore, these are still the people that I will always cherish and remember for the rest of my life.

So prom pictures are pretty much all over Facebook now, had a great time browsing through them while stalking. Was mostly interested in their dresses and shoes, but overall everyone looked amazing and glamorous. Was kinda surprised that photos from our batch have yet to be uploaded, those that are circulating at the moment are all from juniors and seniors.

But did manage to have a look at what those bitches wore to the event, in my opinion they looked nice - but not very striking. But still, I don't wanna judge anyone since I didn't see them in person. But most of all, I was really surprised at her outfit. I really don't get it - she's so pretty in person, yet she's always making amateur fashion mistakes. First year, she wore a dress that looked like she just came from the beach; Second year, she wore a dress that was almost similar to mine the year before, but had weird matching colours of black and beige; Third year, her dress finally looks decent, but her hair was tied up in a bun that made her look way beyond her age. I was like, WTF?!

He looked nice and different, since he wore a grey vest this year with black blazer. What I didn't understand was the red tie - but I didn't say anything since I thought it wasn't necessary. We're back to the part where we're not speaking to each other at the moment; ever since we came back from my birthday celebration on Friday, I feel sick talking to him - yeah, the guy who claimed he joined our karaoke session just because of me, yet sat there for 5 hours Whatsapp-ing another girl straight in my face.

So April is finally coming to an end, as we welcome May. A new month for new beginnings. Things are gonna be better. *I hope*

Goodbye April. You have been amazing.

xoxo
-Penny-

22nd

So D-Day is finally here, but I don't feel anything special. Not really in a celebrative mood since there are so many things to be completed. Studies are at a complete standstill since research is the top most priority now. Presentation is due in two weeks and the thesis can be so killing.

When Facebook introduced the timeline function and I switched over to it, I decided to remove my birthday from my profile. Still, some people did remember it was my birthday and wished me. Others probably saw people wishing me and decided they had 5 seconds to spare so they typed something out of courtesy. Anyhow I thanked them for it, but I don't really get the point.

Went for karaoke marathon session just now, had fun laughing and singing with the usual gang. But I had the biggest surprise when he told me earlier that he was going too. I didn't expect him to join us for our singing sessions. When he told me about it, my first thought was, "OMFG I don't wanna go anymore." But the room was already booked and I was really craving for ChaTime, so I figured, what the hell.

We were having fun singing when he arrived with another friend. I got even more annoyed when he sat next to me, when the room was big and there were other places that were free. So fine, whatever. Not even 5 minutes after he sat down, he took out his phone and started typing. Her name was there, and he was Whatsapp-ing her right in front of me. I got so pissed I walked out from the room and to the washroom. I almost wanted to just leave and go walk alone. But I took a deep breath, and walked back to the room as normal as I could be.

I don't get it. You are obviously more interested in talking with her. So why even bother to come to my birthday celebration? And you barely sang two songs, since you were so busy with your phone. It's not like I valued your presence. I had seriously hoped you didn't come along, at least then I am able to sing in peace.

So prom will be in 19 hours, but this year will be a break for me after attending for the past two years. Voodoo plan seems to be cancelled since no one wants to go. Yeah, I figured as much. Lucky I didn't get my hopes up too high since I know I'll definitely be disappointed.

Happy 22nd to me. Another year older, another year wiser. I'd promised myself to learn from my mistakes and never let the past be repeated. I'll do better from now on.

I promise.



xoxo
-Penny-

Don't grow up

When you're a kid, you'd always hope that you could grow up faster. To you, being a kid sucks. Your parents won't let you eat more than one candy a day; you only get to play with plastic toys; your teacher is constantly repeating the same words every day in school; your exams are about colouring animals or drawing your pet.

Then you grow up and start to experience the world. You get to stay up late at night, drive to the movies and hang out until you feel like it; you get to eat whatever you want without your parents saying you can't; you get to play with all those electronic gadgets, like your phone, your XBox, your laptop; you even get to move away from your nagging parents when you go to college and be a free bird.

But slowly, you realize that things are not always picture perfect as it seems. Friends betray you and talk behind your back; money is always an issue and you constantly find yourself broke; You study your ass off the night before, but when you see the exam paper you still can't answer a single question and end up failing.

And then, you wish you were a kid again where you wouldn't need to face all these problems; when the hardest question to answer was what flavour of candy should I buy from the candy store.

xoxo
-Penny-

17.04.2012

So the finalized list for Industrial Training is out, and I got CCM-Duo Pharma at Shah Alam. Pleased with the outcome, but still trying to find a way to solve my transportation and rental. When I saw the list for Ranbaxy in SP, I was a bit relieved I didn't apply there, because all those who got it have CGPA higher than me, which means I'll never get it anyways. At least the usual gang will all be around Selangor area, so we'll probably have our shopping and karaoke sessions during the weekends. =D

Exam results were released too, did okay for Pharmaceutical Analysis, but very horribly for Applied Therapeutics and Pharmacology. I didn't dare to go see my results for Pharmacology because I knew it would surely be bad. Already expected a fail, just needed to see how badly it is. But right now I just don't have the courage to do so. *sigh*

Three assignments are due this and next week, still struggling with research thesis and studies. And I'm horribly broke right now, don't even know how I'm gonna pay for electric bill later. Sent my old phone for trade in on Sunday, but the guy said he's not sure if anyone will buy it, and even so the price wouldn't exactly be very high. I don't really care, right now I'm desperate for money. Thinking of selling off some unused perfume and clothings too, but without regular transportation to go to the post office, I don't see how I can do so.

10 days to go. I'm curious to see what they have in store for me. And please, please, please - I wanna go Voodoo badly. Or Mois. =/



xoxo
-Penny-

Regrets

Posting for Industrial Training was done last Friday, where we were given a piece of paper to write down the industry we wanted to be sent to. I had a hard time debating between here in Sungai Petani or in Selangor. I had previously discussed with a friend who said I could crash stay at his place for those 6 weeks since I've stayed there before (twice actually LOL) and his parents kinda know me. So I wrote down an industry in Shah Alam together with a bunch of other people, but still stating my second choice as SP just in case.

I didn't want to write SP because I knew a lot of people would sure apply for the same one. And they'll arrange according to your CGPA, which means the higher it is, the bigger the chance you'll get where you want. With my borderline results, I think it'll definitely be kinda hard for me to get in since all the others that are applying are all smart people with sky-high grades. But the main reason why I didn't want to apply for SP is because that bitch will be there. Ughh. The thought of going to the same industry as her just makes me sick. Seeing her fake smile and pathetic laughter makes me want to slap her. So I just went for Shah Alam instead.

On Monday we heard the list is out and that I got the one in Shah Alam together with 5 other friends. But then the main problem is, my friend didn't get it since there were only 6 vacancies. He got another industry in Kajang which is nowhere near the one I got.

Which now has become a huge problem for me.

I asked another friend if I could stay at his sister's apartment since we'll be going to the same industry. He has yet to give me a reply, but right now it's got me thinking. Maybe I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me. If I had thought rationally, I would apply for SP since he will be here so transportation and where to stay won't be a problem for me. Even my mum asked me to apply for SP since she didn't want me to be a huge trouble for other people by staying at their place. But I didn't listen and I let my emotions overrule my judgement.

Right now that industry in SP is already full, and the only way I can apply there is if I exchange with someone. But I don't think anyone will be willing to. Going to Shah Alam will mean spending more money, and transportation and finding a place to stay will be a problem. We heard from last year's seniors that this industry in Shah Alam gives out allowance to its trainees, which gives me reason to stay.

But is the money really worth all the trouble? =/

xoxo
-Penny-

Earthquake?

Yesterday an earthquake happened at Acheh, Indonesia, and a lot of people said they could feel tremors and shaking around here. I was halfway through watching Lady GaGa's Monster Ball Tour when all the Facebook statuses appeared. That night during dinner with my housemate, she asked if I felt any shaking, because she did. I didn't even see my table shaking. Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention. =S

With the 8.9-magnitude earthquake, people have been warned to stay away from beaches with fear of tsunami attacks. For a split second his face appeared in my mind. He's going to Perhentian Island with his friends today, and suddenly I got worried. Picked up my phone and was just about to access Whatsapp when I stopped myself.

Who am I kidding? He doesn't need me to worry about him. He's probably worried sick about her, since she is from Penang island and that's where a lot of people say the shaking is very strong. So I put my phone back on the table and continued watching my movie.

Home alone for the next 2 days, which I feel completely comfortable with. I like the solitude and the quietness. Or maybe it's just because I'm awkward and anti-social. =S

P/S: Just realised it's Friday the 13th after posting this. =S


xoxo
-Penny-

Countdown

Finally finished one hell week of mid semester exams. Didn't do so well this time, I think the results are gonna be pretty bad. I did try very hard to study, but still couldn't answer the questions that came out, and even made stupid mistakes like misreading the question and giving the wrong answers. Told myself this is the last time I'm gonna screw up after the past experience, so I'll definitely work extra hard for finals. I'm gonna prove that I really can do it.

Just came back after a full day at Penang, went for the usual karaoke session, movie and dinner. Watched 'The Hunger Games' which was not bad, although it was a bit rushed compared to the novel. Have only read the first book, and still waiting for my friend to finish off the second book so I'll be able to read it.

So right now I'm sitting here blogging while waiting for my hair to dry, although my eyes feel so tired they can close any minute. Things have been so crazy lately that I have to keep constantly reminding myself to have faith and believe in the best. But a lot of times I still doubt that ability.

P/S: 3 more weeks to go. Hoping to be able to go Voodoo. *wink*



xoxo
-Penny-

Again and Again

Had Pharmacology III paper today, even though it was only  a one-hour paper, it contributed a hectic 15 marks to the total subject. Stayed up late to study and memorise, and I was actually quite confident with myself. After what happened before, I had phobia of going into the exam hall and sitting for any Pharmacology papers. But this morning I woke up feeling rather confident, and before heading out I took one last look at my notes.

But then, life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you. When I opened the question paper, I was dumbfounded. WTF?! These weren't the questions I memorised. All the classifications, adverse effects, drug uses - none of it was seen.

Throughout the whole hour I just sat there, staring at the paper. I did read through all the lecture notes and I knew from which slide the answers came from, but I just couldn't remember the exact words. So I just wrote down whatever shit I could remember, and I knew this whole paper was screwed.

Wish me luck for Hospital Pharmacy paper tomorrow. This whole mid-semester is just plain screwed up.

I wanna crawl into a dark corner and cry.

 xoxo

-Penny-

All Alone

It's just the first day of April, and my life is already sucking like hell.

I've been feeling moody and sad lately. At first I thought it was just the hormones and stress. I'd get so pissed when this guy would come over and go to my housemate's room where they would laugh and joke so loudly I can hear from my side. He is our classmate and we used to be close, until he found her more interesting and decided to forget my existence. So now, both of them are like BFFs where they'd hang out and go out together until late night, and everyone else would think they're a couple.

But he said before, he won't date girls from the same class, or from this school. They live in two ends, one in the northern part and the other in the southern part. He's still in love with his ex-girlfriend, whom he still talks about from time to time; He still wears the ring they bought together; He still views her profile to see how she's doing with her new boyfriend.

So just now, my friend told me she'd found someone. I smiled and congratulated her, but I didn't know how true is it. Yeah, today is April Fool's day, so I don't really believe what she's saying. But still, I get this really sad feeling. And for days now, I keep thinking why. I did think it was jealousy, but now I know the truth.

I wasn't jealous; I wasn't angry; I'm just sad because everyone around me is moving on with a new chapter in their life, and they're happy. As for me, I'm still standing here, where I've been all my life. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do, and I have no one.

There's no more spot for me on the happy train, and it has already left the station. And I'm here all alone with nowhere to go.

I do.

xoxo

-Penny-

Hello April

So March just ended, and today is April Fool's Day. Which means that my mid semester exams will be starting in less than 24 hours. To be exact, around 20 hours more to go. *sigh*

I love April. Maybe because it's my birthday month, or maybe because it just marks the beginning of the second quarter of the year. Hopefully ICS for Galaxy Note comes out soon.

And hopefully, April will be awesome.

xoxo
-Penny-

Free fall

It's 2012. As rumours have it, the world will end in less than 9 months. When this news first came out, I don't want the world to end, especially since there are still so many things that I haven't accomplished.

But right now, sometimes I do think about the world ending. For some people, it means the end of everything; For some people, it means having to say goodbye to their loved ones; For some people, it means that everything that you ever believed in will come to an end, and maybe - just maybe - you might have the chance to start everything new all over again.

Let me free fall into the unknown.

xoxo

-Penny-

Back at one

Yesterday marked the beginning of study break, which means that mid-semester exams will start next week. Spent the whole day procrastinating and watching Private Practice. Then at night, I went out with an old friend and her boyfriend for a simple dinner where we chatted and laughed and gossiped.

We've been talking a lot lately, but mostly on Facebook. It seems to be so much easier to talk when you don't have to face each other. It really helps to avoid any and all awkwardness, especially when your conversations suddenly come to a halt and you don't know how to continue.

Loving someone means trying your best to make them happy, even if it means not being with you.

Read a quote yesterday that hit me straight in the heart, "The bravest thing to do in this world, is to smile and listen as you talk about your love story with her".

xoxo

-Penny-

Fantasy | Reality

Been rather busy lately, especially with the research project which just seems to be going wrong at every level. While other people are sleeping in until 12p.m., I'm rushing off to lab at 9a.m. to finish off all the tests, and later feeling so sleepy I dozed off during lectures.

Have yet to begin studying since every day has been so hectic and crazy. I'm reaching home at around 6p.m. almost every day, and after bathing and having my dinner, I start to feel so tired that I just couldn't concentrate. So I decide to go to bed early, but no matter how long I sleep, I still feel tired and lethargic the next day. *sigh*

We've been talking rather a lot recently, somehow I feel like we're back to where we were before all the awkwardness. Our topics are still pretty much the same, but at this point, I guess it's the best I could hope for. I'm a simple person who just wants simple things. Is it too much to ask?

xoxo
-Penny-

Past tense

Went for a futsal session on Wednesday, had lots of fun laughing and screaming while chasing after a ball that I could never seem to kick at. Hurt my foot during the process, and now there's bleeding under both my toenails, but even though I used a needle to carefully prick at it, it's just not draining out. The idea of going to see a doctor about it scares me to death. I guess I just dislike hospitals. FML. =/ (P/S: In case you're wondering, futsal is actually just indoor football.)

So just now while I was watching Private Practice, my phone rang. It was a Whatsapp notification, and it was from him. I was like, "Dude, what's your problem? You're just in the opposite room. You stopped spamming my Facebook chatbox, now you're spamming my Whatsapp?"

Still, I replied and we chatted for awhile. This morning I woke up with some weird tingling feeling, that I should just let everything go and be the bigger person. So that's what I'm doing. Everyday is a new day, and what happened yesterday is in the past. Right now, I'm just gonna be the bigger person. And maybe just stop caring.

xoxo
-Penny-

March

All of a sudden, February is over and March is here.

Life was so busy I didn't even realise time is flying past. Research project is going well, although a little behind schedule; assignments and lab reports are starting to pile up; mid semester exams are in about 3 weeks, but still lacking motivation and concentration to study. I'm gonna die again this semester. =/

Things have been getting awkward for us. For some reason I don't feel like talking to him at all. In lab, he keeps sitting beside her and you can see the two of them happily laughing away. He follows her around like a lovesick puppy, and when she's busy, he'll just sit there and watch her with puppy dog eyes.

Somehow I feel really sick and disgusted. He's not shy about flirting with her in public, but what makes me more pissed off, is how he's so nice to me around other people, but ignore me when it's just the two of us.

My heart doesn't hurt anymore, and the emotions that replace the sadness are just anger and disgust. This morning while on the way to school, he passed me his phone and asked me to help calculate something. I unlocked his phone and his Whatsapp was on, but when I pressed 'back', the first thing that I saw was her name and the message of 'Good night and sweet dreams, see you tomorrow'.

At that moment I wanted to throw the phone at his face, but I resented. I suppressed the anger and just smiled. Breathe, I told myself, just breathe.

Maybe this is for the best. Without him constantly in my mind, maybe I can finally let the past go and start living my own life. Screw you, and screw her. I have my own life to live, rather than be disgusted at the pair of you fake bitches.

xoxo
-Penny-

Reality

Had a brief escape to Genting during the weekend, stayed over for one night and went to the theme park to try to enjoy myself. But the truth is, I couldn't focus at all. My mind kept going back to what had happened and what I could do to make things right. I even went on all the scary roller coaster rides I had never dared to before. Had wanted to scream so badly, but no matter what I did I just couldn't. Even my friends were amazed at my calmness. But they didn't know the truth.

Now I'm back to this place and reality starts to set in. I don't know what to do anymore. A thousand questions keep flashing through my mind as I wondered about my future. Whether I'll be able to graduate successfully; whether I still get to keep my scholarship; whether I'll be able to retake the exam and pass.

Physically and mentally tired at the moment after 5 hours of traveling on the bus. Have yet to take dinner, and my stomach is starting to protest against the hunger, but somehow I just don't have the appetite. Maybe will go make myself some oats since I didn't want to get gastric pains again. But right now, another thing I'm more worried about is whether I can sleep or not. I'm sure it'll be a restless night, even though the weather is so nice and cooling with the heavy rain outside.

Bless me. I really need a miracle right now. But somehow, I'm having bad feelings and it doesn't seem to go away anytime soon...


xoxo
-Penny-

Quitting

I wasn't born a quitter. I wasn't raised a quitter. But I was raised to never fail.

That's what you get when you're raised by over-achieving and over-protective parents. Ever since you could understand, they've been telling you that your goal in life is to succeed. That you have to be the best at everything you do. That failing is not an option.

Then you grow up and you experience life. You try to be the best at what you do, but sometimes, your best just isn't good enough. What do you do then?

When your parents raise you and build up your ego, they forgot to teach you what to do when you fall.

This isn't the life I wanted. And I've known it since the start. But now that I'm in it, there's no way for me to back out. I want to put everything down and walk away from it. But I don't see how I can do that.

I wasn't born a quitter. I wasn't raised a quitter. But this is all too much for me. I really want to walk away from it. But I just don't know how.

xoxo
-Penny-

Failed

Everyone was whispering and murmuring. Everyone had anxious and nervous looks on their faces. I looked down and just stared at my feet. My heart was calmer than I expected - there was no hard pounding or rapid heart beats.

The guy over the counter passed me my results slip. I smiled and thanked him. Then I took one glance and flipped it over. At that moment, my heart sank to the utmost bottom.

There was a C- on that slip. I had failed. And it was the subject I feared most.

I had expected the worst, and this was it. I didn't know what else to do but just remain quiet. Everyone around me was laughing and celebrating. They asked me how I did, and I smiled and said I did fine.

But in reality, it wasn't fine. I'd failed a subject, which means I need to re-sit for the paper next semester. Just today I gave away the notes and prayed for a miracle. But I guess sometimes, even when you pray your heart out, miracles just don't happen.

I'm struggling to breathe right now. I don't know what else I can do. They say you can't take this semester's subject if you fail the previous one. So what happens to me now?

xoxo
-Penny-

Valentine's

My watch showed a little after 5p.m. when I was finally done with my research work. I bid my teammates goodbye and walked up the stairs to the lab where my friend was still doing his research. I sat down at the table on the far end while waiting for him to finish up his work so I could follow his car back.

Her group was there too, and they had just finished. Her teammates had just left while she placed the remaining glassware in the drying basket. Then she walked over and smiled at me. We talked for awhile, but I noticed how she kept checking her watch. I didn't say anything, but just smiled. Then she said goodbye and rushed out.

I didn't get home until after 6, and the internet was down so I had to call and had them check on it. Just then I heard the gate open and footsteps rushing up the stairs. There was the usual sound of the door opening, then a few minutes later I heard it slam shut again. The sound of the gate closing could be heard just a few seconds later, and then there was silence.

After the internet was finally back up and running again, I went to shower and then went downstairs to cook dinner. Just a simple soup dish and some green tea. Then I went back up to my room, put on Grey's Anatomy and started eating dinner.

Suddenly my phone rang, and it was the notification for a message. I opened it and it was a friend, who asked if he was home. I said no, he already went out. That's when he said, someone had seen him with her in the car.

My mind went blank for a moment as I tried to interpret what I had just read. It was as if the message was in some foreign language and I didn't understand a single word. After I laid down my phone I stared at my laptop, not knowing what to do. Suddenly I'd lost my appetite altogether, and I just drank the remaining tea, then cleaned up and went straight to bed.

The clock on my table showed 9.30p.m.

As I had predicted I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, blank thoughts in my mind as I tried to force myself to sleep. I didn't know how long I tossed and turned when I finally dozed off. But I didn't sleep long. I woke up again at 12a.m., feeling refreshed. My laptop was still on as I had left my downloads running. I heard noises coming from downstairs and I knew he was home. I opened Facebook and expected the worse, but there was nothing. The green dot was beside his name, but suddenly I felt disgusted and annoyed. I closed the webpage and went back to sleep.

Awhile later my phone rang again, this time was for Facebook Messenger. It was him, asking how come I was still awake at this hour. I closed the app and went back to bed.

This morning he skipped classes as usual, which came as a relief for me as that meant I didn't need to be in the same car as him. After lunch as I was on my way to lab, suddenly someone called out for me. I looked up and saw him, standing there, smiling. I smiled back weakly and walked away.

Just then the elevator arrived, and he called out my name once again, pointing to it. I shook my head and walked up the stairs instead. The feeling of being in the same elevator as him was about to suffocate me.

He's still not home at the moment, but I didn't want to care anymore. The funny thing is, I don't feel angry or sad. My heart is just hurting a little, as I was so disappointed that he couldn't even be bothered to be honest to me about this.

I always thought that this wasn't his fault, as he had a choice to make - either me or her. Then I realised, there wasn't any choice at all in the first place. It has always been her, as it always will be. I was never part of the equation, just as I never will be a part of his life.

xoxo
-Penny-

Broken Heart

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. For the past two days you've been asking me where I would like to go. I never thought much about it, since I had research to do and lecture notes to read. Besides, I knew you would never ask me or take me out.

And I was right.

The only reason why you kept asking me, is because you wanted to take her out, but you don't want me to feel bad about not having plans, so you keep trying to ask me to do something. And another reason maybe why, is because you wanted to take her to a different place in case I had plans.

Well, I just smiled. I didn't know what to say, not that I'm in any position to say anything. She's your perfect princess, while I'm just the little girl who will forever just be your sister. To you, I don't mean anything more than being the little sister who cleans up after you, washes your dishes, and downloads games for you.

Today during the research lab, I saw how you looked at her. I didn't mean to spy, but I was talking to someone when I saw your expression from the corner of my eye. She was busy with her experiment, and you were staring at her like a lovesick puppy. The pain I had imagined didn't come, so I guess I'm finally able to let it go.

I really wish you all the happiness. You deserved it, especially from someone so perfect like her.

xoxo
-Penny-

I'm egoistic, so what?

The new semester has started, and although there are less subjects than before, it's still gonna be a hectic semester, especially with research projects and industrial training. Results got delayed since there was some problem with the exam division, but it'll be released next week and I'm freaking out. Damn nervous to know how I did since I've been praying really hard to get a pass on all subjects. Bless me, especially for Pharmacology II. =S

So I've finally got myself my Galaxy Note!! XD

I've been saving for quite sometime now so that I have enough funds for it. Ever since I knew of its release I've been saving bit by bit, and I had wanted to get it last year so badly but my funds were still insufficient. So the moment when I saw the amount reach the required state, I was so overjoyed I almost cried.

Before I bought the phone I did some research on it, especially the phone casing. The one I currently have on is a mercury case, the colour being mint. I had wanted to get either a black or red one, but unfortunately both were out of stock. =( The remaining colours weren't so nice, and out of all of them, this one looked the best. And I'm quite satisfied with it, since I really wanted a protection for my new baby.

This would be my first Android phone, and after toying around with it a bit I'm starting to get the hang of it. So far it's still pretty empty, with a few apps and games installed. Despite a lot of comments, I decided not to root it at the moment. Just wanted to enjoy the original rom first, since I'm still new to it. Besides, it seems that ICS 4.0 will be coming soon, so I decided to wait for it and see how it goes.

I have some people telling me how I'm such a spendthrift. My last phone - Samsung Wave - has been with me for 16 months now, and ever since upgrading to Bada 1.2 it's been giving me nothing but trouble. The phone switches off automatically, the storage memory for text messages is limited, and there aren't a lot of available apps. Bada 2.0 hasn't arrived here yet, but I decided I don't wanna wait for it anymore. And that's how my Galaxy Note came into play.

Honestly I don't understand what's the fuss about me changing phones. It's to my own liking and since I can afford it, why not? I changed phones not to please you people, but for my own pleasure. So why do you guys have to care so much?

P/S: Going broke at this moment. Guess I'll need to save even harder now for the upcoming Bali trip. =S


xoxo
-Penny-

Hello February

Please be good to me.

 

 

 

 

xoxo

-Penny-

Happy Chinese New Year~

Today is the eve of Chinese New Year, just came back from a simple and quiet reunion dinner with family. Tomorrow will be the big day where everyone gathers and gossips. Ughh.

Another 2 more weeks before going back, somehow not really looking forward to it. Right now I can avoid him because I don't see him, but everything's gonna change when I'm back. Sometimes I don't even know what to say to him anymore on Facebook, what more do you expect me to do when I'm talking to him face-to-face?

A year ago I was unsure if I wanted to curl my hair, but I did so anyway because he said he wanted to see it. And I permed my hair again for Chinese New Year because I just didn't know what to do with my hair. I had planned to cut it short, but dismissed it because I know it just won't suit me. And right now, I kinda regret it. I should have cut it all off because right now it just reminds me of him more and more.

Anyhow, just hoping that the new year will be much better. Imma so rock tomorrow with my killer heels. =)



xoxo
-Penny-

When it hurts

Another 7 days to go before Chinese New Year. Nothing special this year as it'll just be like normal. But I'm looking forward to all the cookies and good food. *wink*

I used to be on Facebook pretty much 24/7. Sometimes when my chatbox goes crazy I'll have my Skype on so that I can receive messages, and since it connects to my Facebook, it pretty much shows that I'm online even when I'm away.

But I do all these just because of one person.

The one person that makes you smile when you see his name pop up; the person that you just can't stop thinking about no matter what you're doing; the person that makes your heart beat faster and gets your pulse racing, who makes you speechless and your mind just goes blank in his presence.

And then I realise, you're just his option even when you make him your priority.

He has over 600 friends on his Facebook. When he's online he doesn't talk to me all the time, and this makes my heart sink. And then, as time goes by, I start to realise that he'll only talk to me when there's no one else around.

Which basically makes me a replacement. And all this time, I've always been the back-up. I'm the one he turns to when he needs something done, the one he talks to when there's no one else online. And if there's someone more important, I'll be the invisible speck of dust that fades into the background.

Now I understand why some people don't like Facebook. Sometimes I'm scared to go on Facebook, because his name is always there even when he's not. Which is why I actually prefer Twitter at the moment. At least it's more private and I can rant whatever's on my mind without letting the whole world knowing about it.

Because sometimes, you just want to sit down and hug yourself tight, telling yourself that everything's gonna be alright and that tomorrow's gonna be even better.

xoxo
-Penny-